Doubling down is for the weak. Supersizing is chump change. If you don’t feel a little sick afterwards, the calories didn’t count. Forget ice cream out of the carton, the following limited edition treats from America’s favorite glutton gurus will be the new post-breakup sobfest snacks of choice.
Let's celebrate the freedom of eating what you want by exploring its logical conclusion, which we have to admit is pretty ridiculous.
McDonald’s has outdone itself with yet another unthinkably preposterous delicacy. That’s right, you can now order Funfetti pies at select locations. With a sugar cookie-esque crust, your favorite rainbow sprinkles and a creamy custard filling, you may actually black out from sheer delight while eating one of these. Of course, it could also be some sort of glucose issue.
Sadly, these are for a limited time and only in some parts of the country, at least at this point. Just remember, the folks at Mickey D’s were also the ones who actually served pizza from 1989-2000, so anything is possible. I’m still waiting for them to bring back the Shamrock Shake.
Krispy Kreme’s Nutella Doughnut
The official name really doesn’t do justice to the genius of this concoction. The “Nutty Cocoa Ring” is a regular Krispy Kreme doughnut smothered in Nutella spread, then topped with hazelnut pieces for that extra crunch. Oh yeah, and since apparently Nutella spread on a doughnut wasn’t life-changing enough, it’s then drizzled with chocolate icing.
Hostess’ Deep Fried Banana Twinkies
Hostess just dropped this little number. Not for the faint of stomach, these puppies feature a graham cracker breaded cake with the sponginess you come to expect in a Twinkie, then a banana cream filling. “Enjoy hot! Oven baked in minutes,” says the box. If you try it, I expect a full account. We’re talking MLA format with cited sources. Taste buds totally count as a primary source.
Pillsbury’s Girl Scout Cookie-Flavored Baking Mixes
Pillsbury has teamed up with those loveable vest-wearing, badge-earning, girl-empowering superheroes to create Caramel & Coconut and Thin Mint flavored cupcake mixes. Don’t fret, they also come in the form of brownies and blondies.
And in case you need to cover up your breath from all these gourmet misadventures, Project 7 is working with the Scouts to produce gum and mints inspired by the cookies as well.
Imagine Oreo cookie-infused candy bars made with Milka brand German chocolate. Because we obviously need choices when it comes to combining Oreos and chocolate bars, there are two varieties available. There’s the Milka Oreo Chocolate Candy Bar, which contains Oreo cookie pieces mixed in vanilla cream and coated with chocolate, and the Milka Oreo Big Crunch Chocolate Candy Bar, which includes an entire layer of perfectly intact Oreo cookie between two layers of vanilla cream coated in chocolate. Now all they need to make is drool catchers.
Purportedly “naturally flavored,” which I’m pretty sure has lost all meaning at this point, these kit kats are in the ever-frustrating miniature size but sound no less delicious. Though not actually red or velvet, they are coated in a white cream, and are supposed to taste like that brightly colored cake we’ve all seen before. Not yet released, the minis are intended as a Valentine’s Day treat. If only they were large enough to share with your significant other.
Since not all of us can afford to fly to India to try Domino’s new Choco Pizza, a dessert pizza complete with brownie, cookie, cheesecake and something called “Coconut Nougatine,” these limited edition sweets will have to satiate us.
Can your search history develop a sweet tooth? I’m pretty sure mine just did. Best of luck with resolving to not partake in resolutions this year, or at least not diet-related ones. 2016 gave up on us and left us no choice but to fully embrace all our vices in this next calendar year.
